Without Warning...

Well, kind of, anyway.

CJ kissed me today.

He had come back to the house to pick up a few things he'd forgotten to take with him when I kicked him out, like his mail, and his meds. I was standing on the front porch, having just finished my cigarette, and I was enjoying the cold air (for once) since I'd felt a little feverish all day.  It all happened really fast. He said "I just wanna do one thing" and then he kissed me, fast, but not fast enough, and then he pulled away and said "God, I've been thinking about that for a while."

Here's the funny thing: I felt NOTHING.
Well, I felt sad, for him, and a bit taken aback, and even nauseous, but as far as leftover feelings for CJ go...
Nothing.
His kiss was hard, dry, and his breath smelled like Copenhagen.
I did not kiss him back.
I made him leave just as quickly as he arrived.
Now I have to figure out how to tell Richard, without him wanting to go out and kill CJ immediately.

I'm worried, but I know (I am hoping) that Richard knows me well enough to know that I did not invite this.
Once again, I feel taken advantage of.
Manipulated.
It's what he does best.
He seemed to be hoping that I'd invite him to stay again.
He's a master at playing with my emotions.
Well, He was.
Not anymore.

I feel...free.
His hold over me is broken.
Its remarkable. I fought this feeling for so long; I was afraid of it.
Now, I feel stronger.
I CAN do this.
I CAN put him behind me.
Apparently, based on the kiss,
I already have.