Did you ever just want to run away? Start over? I've always dreamed of doing that. After my mother passed away in July, and I was married 4 days later, it took me only 2 months to do just that. My husband (now ex, yes, already) and I packed up everything and moved to a different state. I wanted, no, NEEDED a new start, I needed new faces, new people. I never knew just how much that move would change my whole life. Our marriage fell apart pretty quickly. Just over 3 months to be exact, but I should've seen it coming. Thats what happens when you marry a cheater, a liar, an unstable man. But my family was gone and I needed something to hold on to and he was all I had left, or at least that is how I felt.
Shortly after moving here, 2 weeks actually, I lost the new job that I had been so excited to have. Honestly, I'd hated it anyway, but that wasn't the point, was it? My husband lost his mind. He began becoming extremely mentally and emotionally abusive towards me (though he had been before, I guess I just never saw it.) Suddenly, I wasn't his meal ticket anymore. I was "pathetic" to quote him. Suddenly, he realized that he needed to be the provider for a while and I guess he just couldn't handle that, for the same reasons he never could before. My husband feels like the world owes him something. He is the most arrogant, entitled person I have ever met in my life. Sometimes I look at him and I just can't believe I ever let myself get this far, despite the good that it has led me to (we'll get to that later).
Now, a little further down the line, actually, just before Halloween, my husband confessed to me that he felt he was still in love with another woman. He wanted a divorce. He wanted to leave me for her. For some reason, I felt I could not let this happen. Instead, I gave him the option of bringing her here; of having us both. Of course, as this seems to be the answer to every mans fantasy, he felt it was a good thing to do. He went to get her on Halloween. Their first night here at the house together, I cried myself to sleep. He told me it was something I would just have to get used to. But their relationship didnt seem to be what he wanted, either. They'd break up, get back together, etc etc, all in a matter of a week. Then, CJ checked himself into yet another psych hospital because "It was just too much for him to handle".
It was during this time that I became close to my roommate, Richard. All of the sudden, he wasn't just this person I barely paid attention to anymore. He was funny, sweet, attractive (how did I not see this???). I kept playing it over and over in my head. CJ had someone else, why shouldn't I? It took all of the nerve I had to ask Richard one night what he would do if I asked him to kiss me. His response? "I'd say yes." So i asked him what he was waiting for and BOOM, he kissed me. Now, I hate to be cliche here, but there was SOMETHING in that kiss, that perfect, sweet, sexy kiss, that knocked me off my feet. All I knew was that I wanted MORE. I'm not ashamed to say it, we hooked up that night. And the next, after going bowling and doing some MAJOR PDA while we were there. The following day, Monday, CJ came home from the hospital, and I told him I wanted to be with Richard, like CJ was with Michelle, and still be married to him. Same rules. CJ obliged, but he could see it, even then, that what I had with Richard was something he would never have with Michelle. It was an undeniable chemistry, a connection, a respect for one another. Richard said I love you less than a week in, and I didn't hesitate in responding. It was fast, reckless, and beautiful, and I didn't care. All I knew was that this was what I wanted. Richard treated me like a princess. He looked upon me with Pride. He introduced me to his friends. He thought I was amazing, and all I had to do was be myself. I was intoxicated by him.
At the end of that week, CJ called me on his way home from a therapy session. He said we needed to talk. My biggest fear as I waited for him to arrive home was that he was going to make me end my relationship with Richard. I think in that moment, all of my questions were answered. My marriage didn't matter to me anymore. CJ had become more of an annoyance, a frustration, a subject of my rage, than anything else. I knew I was not in love with him anymore. When he came home, he stated that we needed to decide whether to make it work, or let it go. I told him that it was over. We'd figure out the other details, living arrangements, separation, divorce, all of that later. My marriage was over. I felt...relieved. The only thought on my mind at the time was my excitement for Richard to get home so I could tell him I was HIS, and only his.
On Monday the 8th, itll be one month :)
It has, without a doubt, been the best month I have had in a very long time. Richard is still amazing. He is the most hardworking person I have ever met. He's honest to a fault. He's kind. He's rough around the edges. There are no secrets, no mysteries that need to be uncovered, no half truths or insecurities. It's just love. Positive love. The kind of love that just IS.
Our month has not been easy, CJ has made sure of that. He failed to pay rent, utilities, cable, anything really. Richard has single-handedly taken over everything. I feel awful about that. He knows I am starting work soon, and waiting on an offer from somewhere even better, and he is fine with that. He's still proud of me. He tells me every day that it is ok, that it only gets better from here. I told him I wasn't worth all of this mess and he said you're right, you're worth much more. With him around, I believe that I can make it through this.
We took over the lease on the house today. Its kind of a big deal :)
So that's my story. The end of one and the start of another. The minor details in between don't matter.
Can't you see? There IS beauty in the breakdown. And I'm discovering it one day at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment