Well, kind of, anyway.
CJ kissed me today.
He had come back to the house to pick up a few things he'd forgotten to take with him when I kicked him out, like his mail, and his meds. I was standing on the front porch, having just finished my cigarette, and I was enjoying the cold air (for once) since I'd felt a little feverish all day. It all happened really fast. He said "I just wanna do one thing" and then he kissed me, fast, but not fast enough, and then he pulled away and said "God, I've been thinking about that for a while."
Here's the funny thing: I felt NOTHING.
Well, I felt sad, for him, and a bit taken aback, and even nauseous, but as far as leftover feelings for CJ go...
Nothing.
His kiss was hard, dry, and his breath smelled like Copenhagen.
I did not kiss him back.
I made him leave just as quickly as he arrived.
Now I have to figure out how to tell Richard, without him wanting to go out and kill CJ immediately.
I'm worried, but I know (I am hoping) that Richard knows me well enough to know that I did not invite this.
Once again, I feel taken advantage of.
Manipulated.
It's what he does best.
He seemed to be hoping that I'd invite him to stay again.
He's a master at playing with my emotions.
Well, He was.
Not anymore.
I feel...free.
His hold over me is broken.
Its remarkable. I fought this feeling for so long; I was afraid of it.
Now, I feel stronger.
I CAN do this.
I CAN put him behind me.
Apparently, based on the kiss,
I already have.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
That feeling...
I'm feeling oddly sentimental at the moment. Not exactly sure why...just a feeling in my stomach, an appreciation, one that, if you aren't careful, can bring you to tears. Happy tears, but tears nonetheless. Its silly, really, Richard and I were just sitting at the table eating leftover pasta from last night, and I was overcome with the feeling. The knowledge that I love this man so much, and its so terrifying. I have had my heart ripped out, stomped on, and thrown away. Why am I so quick to hand it out again? My head keeps saying GO SLOW! But my heart, well, that's already gone. Richard is everything I could've ever dreamed of. He's that guy that opens doors, shows you off, looks at you deeply when you glance his way, and watches you when you don't even notice, like he can't take his eyes off you, like he can't believe his luck. It's incredible, this feeling. It's amazing and scary and overwhelming in the best of ways. His kiss is always perfect. His hugs are always warm. At night, even when he's in a deep sleep, if I crawl into bed, his arms immediately go around me. Its like second nature.
Just had to take a moment to express my appreciation and adoration for this amazing man who came into my life at just the perfect moment.
Thanks God, for sending him my way :)
Just had to take a moment to express my appreciation and adoration for this amazing man who came into my life at just the perfect moment.
Thanks God, for sending him my way :)
Friday, December 5, 2014
...and this is how I got here
Did you ever just want to run away? Start over? I've always dreamed of doing that. After my mother passed away in July, and I was married 4 days later, it took me only 2 months to do just that. My husband (now ex, yes, already) and I packed up everything and moved to a different state. I wanted, no, NEEDED a new start, I needed new faces, new people. I never knew just how much that move would change my whole life. Our marriage fell apart pretty quickly. Just over 3 months to be exact, but I should've seen it coming. Thats what happens when you marry a cheater, a liar, an unstable man. But my family was gone and I needed something to hold on to and he was all I had left, or at least that is how I felt.
Shortly after moving here, 2 weeks actually, I lost the new job that I had been so excited to have. Honestly, I'd hated it anyway, but that wasn't the point, was it? My husband lost his mind. He began becoming extremely mentally and emotionally abusive towards me (though he had been before, I guess I just never saw it.) Suddenly, I wasn't his meal ticket anymore. I was "pathetic" to quote him. Suddenly, he realized that he needed to be the provider for a while and I guess he just couldn't handle that, for the same reasons he never could before. My husband feels like the world owes him something. He is the most arrogant, entitled person I have ever met in my life. Sometimes I look at him and I just can't believe I ever let myself get this far, despite the good that it has led me to (we'll get to that later).
Now, a little further down the line, actually, just before Halloween, my husband confessed to me that he felt he was still in love with another woman. He wanted a divorce. He wanted to leave me for her. For some reason, I felt I could not let this happen. Instead, I gave him the option of bringing her here; of having us both. Of course, as this seems to be the answer to every mans fantasy, he felt it was a good thing to do. He went to get her on Halloween. Their first night here at the house together, I cried myself to sleep. He told me it was something I would just have to get used to. But their relationship didnt seem to be what he wanted, either. They'd break up, get back together, etc etc, all in a matter of a week. Then, CJ checked himself into yet another psych hospital because "It was just too much for him to handle".
It was during this time that I became close to my roommate, Richard. All of the sudden, he wasn't just this person I barely paid attention to anymore. He was funny, sweet, attractive (how did I not see this???). I kept playing it over and over in my head. CJ had someone else, why shouldn't I? It took all of the nerve I had to ask Richard one night what he would do if I asked him to kiss me. His response? "I'd say yes." So i asked him what he was waiting for and BOOM, he kissed me. Now, I hate to be cliche here, but there was SOMETHING in that kiss, that perfect, sweet, sexy kiss, that knocked me off my feet. All I knew was that I wanted MORE. I'm not ashamed to say it, we hooked up that night. And the next, after going bowling and doing some MAJOR PDA while we were there. The following day, Monday, CJ came home from the hospital, and I told him I wanted to be with Richard, like CJ was with Michelle, and still be married to him. Same rules. CJ obliged, but he could see it, even then, that what I had with Richard was something he would never have with Michelle. It was an undeniable chemistry, a connection, a respect for one another. Richard said I love you less than a week in, and I didn't hesitate in responding. It was fast, reckless, and beautiful, and I didn't care. All I knew was that this was what I wanted. Richard treated me like a princess. He looked upon me with Pride. He introduced me to his friends. He thought I was amazing, and all I had to do was be myself. I was intoxicated by him.
At the end of that week, CJ called me on his way home from a therapy session. He said we needed to talk. My biggest fear as I waited for him to arrive home was that he was going to make me end my relationship with Richard. I think in that moment, all of my questions were answered. My marriage didn't matter to me anymore. CJ had become more of an annoyance, a frustration, a subject of my rage, than anything else. I knew I was not in love with him anymore. When he came home, he stated that we needed to decide whether to make it work, or let it go. I told him that it was over. We'd figure out the other details, living arrangements, separation, divorce, all of that later. My marriage was over. I felt...relieved. The only thought on my mind at the time was my excitement for Richard to get home so I could tell him I was HIS, and only his.
On Monday the 8th, itll be one month :)
It has, without a doubt, been the best month I have had in a very long time. Richard is still amazing. He is the most hardworking person I have ever met. He's honest to a fault. He's kind. He's rough around the edges. There are no secrets, no mysteries that need to be uncovered, no half truths or insecurities. It's just love. Positive love. The kind of love that just IS.
Our month has not been easy, CJ has made sure of that. He failed to pay rent, utilities, cable, anything really. Richard has single-handedly taken over everything. I feel awful about that. He knows I am starting work soon, and waiting on an offer from somewhere even better, and he is fine with that. He's still proud of me. He tells me every day that it is ok, that it only gets better from here. I told him I wasn't worth all of this mess and he said you're right, you're worth much more. With him around, I believe that I can make it through this.
We took over the lease on the house today. Its kind of a big deal :)
So that's my story. The end of one and the start of another. The minor details in between don't matter.
Can't you see? There IS beauty in the breakdown. And I'm discovering it one day at a time.
Shortly after moving here, 2 weeks actually, I lost the new job that I had been so excited to have. Honestly, I'd hated it anyway, but that wasn't the point, was it? My husband lost his mind. He began becoming extremely mentally and emotionally abusive towards me (though he had been before, I guess I just never saw it.) Suddenly, I wasn't his meal ticket anymore. I was "pathetic" to quote him. Suddenly, he realized that he needed to be the provider for a while and I guess he just couldn't handle that, for the same reasons he never could before. My husband feels like the world owes him something. He is the most arrogant, entitled person I have ever met in my life. Sometimes I look at him and I just can't believe I ever let myself get this far, despite the good that it has led me to (we'll get to that later).
Now, a little further down the line, actually, just before Halloween, my husband confessed to me that he felt he was still in love with another woman. He wanted a divorce. He wanted to leave me for her. For some reason, I felt I could not let this happen. Instead, I gave him the option of bringing her here; of having us both. Of course, as this seems to be the answer to every mans fantasy, he felt it was a good thing to do. He went to get her on Halloween. Their first night here at the house together, I cried myself to sleep. He told me it was something I would just have to get used to. But their relationship didnt seem to be what he wanted, either. They'd break up, get back together, etc etc, all in a matter of a week. Then, CJ checked himself into yet another psych hospital because "It was just too much for him to handle".
It was during this time that I became close to my roommate, Richard. All of the sudden, he wasn't just this person I barely paid attention to anymore. He was funny, sweet, attractive (how did I not see this???). I kept playing it over and over in my head. CJ had someone else, why shouldn't I? It took all of the nerve I had to ask Richard one night what he would do if I asked him to kiss me. His response? "I'd say yes." So i asked him what he was waiting for and BOOM, he kissed me. Now, I hate to be cliche here, but there was SOMETHING in that kiss, that perfect, sweet, sexy kiss, that knocked me off my feet. All I knew was that I wanted MORE. I'm not ashamed to say it, we hooked up that night. And the next, after going bowling and doing some MAJOR PDA while we were there. The following day, Monday, CJ came home from the hospital, and I told him I wanted to be with Richard, like CJ was with Michelle, and still be married to him. Same rules. CJ obliged, but he could see it, even then, that what I had with Richard was something he would never have with Michelle. It was an undeniable chemistry, a connection, a respect for one another. Richard said I love you less than a week in, and I didn't hesitate in responding. It was fast, reckless, and beautiful, and I didn't care. All I knew was that this was what I wanted. Richard treated me like a princess. He looked upon me with Pride. He introduced me to his friends. He thought I was amazing, and all I had to do was be myself. I was intoxicated by him.
At the end of that week, CJ called me on his way home from a therapy session. He said we needed to talk. My biggest fear as I waited for him to arrive home was that he was going to make me end my relationship with Richard. I think in that moment, all of my questions were answered. My marriage didn't matter to me anymore. CJ had become more of an annoyance, a frustration, a subject of my rage, than anything else. I knew I was not in love with him anymore. When he came home, he stated that we needed to decide whether to make it work, or let it go. I told him that it was over. We'd figure out the other details, living arrangements, separation, divorce, all of that later. My marriage was over. I felt...relieved. The only thought on my mind at the time was my excitement for Richard to get home so I could tell him I was HIS, and only his.
On Monday the 8th, itll be one month :)
It has, without a doubt, been the best month I have had in a very long time. Richard is still amazing. He is the most hardworking person I have ever met. He's honest to a fault. He's kind. He's rough around the edges. There are no secrets, no mysteries that need to be uncovered, no half truths or insecurities. It's just love. Positive love. The kind of love that just IS.
Our month has not been easy, CJ has made sure of that. He failed to pay rent, utilities, cable, anything really. Richard has single-handedly taken over everything. I feel awful about that. He knows I am starting work soon, and waiting on an offer from somewhere even better, and he is fine with that. He's still proud of me. He tells me every day that it is ok, that it only gets better from here. I told him I wasn't worth all of this mess and he said you're right, you're worth much more. With him around, I believe that I can make it through this.
We took over the lease on the house today. Its kind of a big deal :)
So that's my story. The end of one and the start of another. The minor details in between don't matter.
Can't you see? There IS beauty in the breakdown. And I'm discovering it one day at a time.
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