Start A Revolution

Just experienced a humbling realization...
Under normal circumstances, I would never consider myself a racist. On the contrary, I advocate for treating each person equally regardless of their color, race, or nationality. But, let's look at the definition of racism:

"prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior."

Do I actively believe and tout that white people are better? Or that people of color are less than? Absolutely fuckin not.  But despite all of my best efforts and ideas otherwise, I realized that prejudice is still ingrained in me. Now, before you freak out, I didn't realize this by being spiteful or hateful or anything in that regard.

I was watching Idiotest where the players were teams of kids. One team with white kids and the other with black.

And the white kids won
And I felt bad for the black kids and my head said "oh they should've won! They probably need the money more!"

Boom. There it is. My subconscious thought that because they were people of color they automatically have less than the white team. Like what the fuck, Connie? I know nothing about these people except that they're all competing on the same game show. That's it.

So why did I assume the black kids were somehow worse off??

It's these preconceived notions that society has instilled in us. That even I, an educated, well rounded, culturally sympathetic person who advocates for equal treatment of all people, at the very base of my conscious, still discriminate, without hate, without ill intent, without even knowledge of it!

This is why these movements are so important. This is why a revolution is needed. We have to rebuild from the ground up.

It's time to get real with yourself. Because before you can be part of the solution, you must first be able to admit that even if you didn't want to be, you are still part of the problem.

Love you all ❤️💙💜

One full year later...

“I always hated when my scars started to fade, because as long as I could still see them, I knew why I was hurting.”
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care 

I feel like I am spiraling out of control. Why, when things are finally going so right, do I feel so, lost? Am I that self-destructive? Do I need to just face the reality that maybe I am the type of person who just can’t be happy? I feel a break coming.  My cycling between mania and depression has found a way to so cleverly disguise itself; my bipolar disorder has become a parasite and I am the host.  I used to be able to decipher when I was cycling, now, I feel like I have inadvertently found a way to no longer admit that that is the problem.  “I’m not depressed, I am situationally upset. I am not Manic; I am just excited for these amazing things happening.”

Yeah, right.

I tell people that I am working so hard to get back to who I once was.  But who was that?

I was manipulative

I was selfish

I was a liar

I still am.

But, here’s the scary part

I’m better at it now. It’s a truth I hate, but a truth nonetheless.

It’s eating me alive from the inside out.

Is it my conscience? I don’t think I even have one anymore so that can’t be right.

It’s the sheer exhaustion of playing into this sick delusion I have created for myself.

My miserable fucking life is all my own creation.

Is it possible to just move forward?

To just live life normally from here on out?

Who would the truth really hurt?

Not me.  The fallout would be a just punishment.

But it would hurt him.

He doesn’t deserve that kind of pain.

Telling him would be just another selfish act, torching the life of yet another person who dared to care for me.

Why am I like this?  Why can’t it stop? 

I just want to be someone deserving of all of the great things that people want to offer me. The love, the friendship, the encouragement.

Yet I feel somehow I will never be deserving of it.

That ship sailed long ago for me.

I’m not living anymore, that ended so long ago I believe.

Im just existing.  And I will continue to merely exist until one day, I just don’t anymore.

My passionate longing for that day to come both frightens and excites me. 

I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself.

I just want to not be alive anymore.

To not exist.

I want to close my eyes one day and just float away like ashes in the wind.

How do I explain this to people?

How do I tell them that no matter how much they love me, no matter how hard they work to make me feel needed, wanted, exceptional, that it just doesn’t matter?

It’s like spitting in the face of the people I care about.

I want to sit alone in a quiet room and cry until I am empty.

Until my mind no longer races.

I just want to feel peace.

Crash Landing

I think its very clear that I have been watching too many slightly romantic indie dramas on Netflix.

Typically, I'm a reader. I feel like there is nothing better than spending days lost in a novel only to come up for air on the final page feeling like something in your life is significantly different, or maybe even better, for just having read it.

There are more than a few movies that do that to me, too.

Everyone at some point in time imagines what their life would be like if it were a movie. Who would play them? Would it be interesting? What genre?

For some reason, I feel like I would be just like one of the main characters from one of these indie films.  I'd be the protagonist who is pondering the meaning of life without even knowing it.  The lost soul, seemingly intelligent with their extensive vocabulary, who only comes to realize how little they truly know about the world when they meet that charming, daring, beautiful stranger who makes them question everything they've come to believe in.

But, here's the rub: People don't exist like this.

They are written so that we believe they do.  They can't be beautiful and intelligent and have their lives together, no, that would be boring.  So they all have their flaws, which are somehow made whole when another person shows them just what they are missing.  They SEEM real. But let's be honest.

They are written to be imperfect in the most perfect of ways. 

If my life was like one of these movies, I wouldn't be in the position I am right now.  I wouldn't have several storylines going on at once. I wouldn't be depressed AND unemployed AND overweight AND motherless.  That would be too much for a 2 hour plot line to address.

Who would want to watch that character, anyway?  There is no epic love story, no life changing realization at the end of the story.  It just continues...because that is life. Life doesn't work itself out neatly in some predetermined time frame.  It just goes on.  Your day was terrible? Sorry. Do better tomorrow. 

I wasn't going to make a resolution this year, but today, one came to me.  It's pretty simple, yet something I have never really thought of.

I'm going to start living my life for myself. I am going to take accountability.  I'm going to stop placing blame, on God, on life, on Circumstances. And, most importantly, I am going to try and be more appreciative of what I DO have, rather than wallowing in the absence of what I'm missing.  I have friends. I have love. I have a roof over my head, a brain in my skull, and the drive to succeed.

Life is truly what you make of it.

C'est La Vie

Without Warning...

Well, kind of, anyway.

CJ kissed me today.

He had come back to the house to pick up a few things he'd forgotten to take with him when I kicked him out, like his mail, and his meds. I was standing on the front porch, having just finished my cigarette, and I was enjoying the cold air (for once) since I'd felt a little feverish all day.  It all happened really fast. He said "I just wanna do one thing" and then he kissed me, fast, but not fast enough, and then he pulled away and said "God, I've been thinking about that for a while."

Here's the funny thing: I felt NOTHING.
Well, I felt sad, for him, and a bit taken aback, and even nauseous, but as far as leftover feelings for CJ go...
Nothing.
His kiss was hard, dry, and his breath smelled like Copenhagen.
I did not kiss him back.
I made him leave just as quickly as he arrived.
Now I have to figure out how to tell Richard, without him wanting to go out and kill CJ immediately.

I'm worried, but I know (I am hoping) that Richard knows me well enough to know that I did not invite this.
Once again, I feel taken advantage of.
Manipulated.
It's what he does best.
He seemed to be hoping that I'd invite him to stay again.
He's a master at playing with my emotions.
Well, He was.
Not anymore.

I feel...free.
His hold over me is broken.
Its remarkable. I fought this feeling for so long; I was afraid of it.
Now, I feel stronger.
I CAN do this.
I CAN put him behind me.
Apparently, based on the kiss,
I already have.

That feeling...

I'm feeling oddly sentimental at the moment. Not exactly sure why...just a feeling in my stomach, an appreciation, one that, if you aren't careful, can bring you to tears. Happy tears, but tears nonetheless.  Its silly, really, Richard and I were just sitting at the table eating leftover pasta from last night, and I was overcome with the feeling. The knowledge that I love this man so much, and its so terrifying.  I have had my heart ripped out, stomped on, and thrown away. Why am I so quick to hand it out again? My head keeps saying GO SLOW! But my heart, well, that's already gone.  Richard is everything I could've ever dreamed of.  He's that guy that opens doors, shows you off, looks at you deeply when you glance his way, and watches you when you don't even notice, like he can't take his eyes off you, like he can't believe his luck.  It's incredible, this feeling.  It's amazing and scary and overwhelming in the best of ways.  His kiss is always perfect.  His hugs are always warm. At night, even when he's in a deep sleep, if I crawl into bed, his arms immediately go around me.  Its like second nature. 

Just had to take a moment to express my appreciation and adoration for this amazing man who came into my life at just the perfect moment.

Thanks God, for sending him my way :)

...and this is how I got here

Did you ever just want to run away? Start over? I've always dreamed of doing that. After my mother passed away in July, and I was married 4 days later, it took me only 2 months to do just that.  My husband (now ex, yes, already) and I packed up everything and moved to a different state. I wanted, no, NEEDED a new start, I needed new faces, new people.  I never knew just how much that move would change my whole life.  Our marriage fell apart pretty quickly.  Just over 3 months to be exact, but I should've seen it coming. Thats what happens when you marry a cheater, a liar, an unstable man.  But my family was gone and I needed something to hold on to and he was all I had left, or at least that is how I felt.

 Shortly after moving here, 2 weeks actually, I lost the new job that I had been so excited to have. Honestly, I'd hated it anyway, but that wasn't the point, was it? My husband lost his mind.  He began becoming extremely mentally and emotionally abusive towards me (though he had been before, I guess I just never saw it.)  Suddenly, I wasn't his meal ticket anymore. I was "pathetic" to quote him.  Suddenly, he realized that he needed to be the provider for a while and I guess he just couldn't handle that, for the same reasons he never could before. My husband feels like the world owes him something. He is the most arrogant, entitled person I have ever met in my life.  Sometimes I look at him and I just can't believe I ever let myself get this far, despite the good that it has led me to (we'll get to that later).

Now, a little further down the line, actually, just before Halloween, my husband confessed to me that he felt he was still in love with another woman. He wanted a divorce. He wanted to leave me for her. For some reason, I felt I could not let this happen. Instead, I gave him the option of bringing her here; of having us both.  Of course, as this seems to be the answer to every mans fantasy, he felt it was a good thing to do.  He went to get her on Halloween. Their first night here at the house together, I cried myself to sleep.  He told me it was something I would just have to get used to. But their relationship didnt seem to be what he wanted, either. They'd break up, get back together, etc etc, all in a matter of a week.  Then, CJ checked himself into yet another psych hospital because "It was just too much for him to handle".

It was during this time that I became close to my roommate, Richard.  All of the sudden, he wasn't just this person I barely paid attention to anymore.  He was funny, sweet, attractive (how did I not see this???).  I kept playing it over and over in my head.  CJ had someone else, why shouldn't I?  It took all of the nerve I had to ask Richard one night what he would do if I asked him to kiss me.  His response? "I'd say yes."  So i asked him what he was waiting for and BOOM, he kissed me.  Now, I hate to be cliche here, but there was SOMETHING in that kiss, that perfect, sweet, sexy kiss, that knocked me off my feet.  All I knew was that I wanted MORE.  I'm not ashamed to say it, we hooked up that night.  And the next, after going bowling and doing some MAJOR PDA while we were there.  The following day, Monday, CJ came home from the hospital, and I told him I wanted to be with Richard, like CJ was with Michelle, and still be married to him.  Same rules.  CJ obliged, but he could see it, even then, that what I had with Richard was something he would never have with Michelle.  It was an undeniable chemistry, a connection, a respect for one another.  Richard said I love you less than a week in, and I didn't hesitate in responding.  It was fast, reckless, and beautiful, and I didn't care.  All I knew was that this was what I wanted.  Richard treated me like a princess.  He looked upon me with Pride.  He introduced me to his friends. He thought I was amazing, and all I had to do was be myself.  I was intoxicated by him.

 At the end of that week, CJ called me on his way home from a therapy session. He said we needed to talk.  My biggest fear as I waited for him to arrive home was that he was going to make me end my relationship with Richard.  I think in that moment, all of my questions were answered.  My marriage didn't matter to me anymore.  CJ had become more of an annoyance, a frustration, a subject of my rage, than anything else. I knew I was not in love with him anymore. When he came home, he stated that we needed to decide whether to make it work, or let it go.  I told him that it was over.  We'd figure out the other details, living arrangements, separation, divorce, all of that later.  My marriage was over. I felt...relieved.  The only thought on my mind at the time was my excitement for Richard to get home so I could tell him I was HIS, and only his. 

On Monday the 8th, itll be one month :)
It has, without a doubt, been the best month I have had in a very long time.  Richard is still amazing.  He is the most hardworking person I have ever met.  He's honest to a fault. He's kind.  He's rough around the edges.  There are no secrets, no mysteries that need to be uncovered, no half truths or insecurities.  It's just love.  Positive love. The kind of love that just IS. 

Our month has not been easy, CJ has made sure of that.  He failed to pay rent, utilities, cable, anything really.  Richard has single-handedly taken over everything.  I feel awful about that.  He knows I am starting work soon, and waiting on an offer from somewhere even better, and he is fine with that. He's still proud of me.  He tells me every day that it is ok, that it only gets better from here.  I told him I wasn't worth all of this mess and he said you're right, you're worth much more.  With him around, I believe that I can make it through this.

We took over the lease on the house today.  Its kind of a big deal :)

So that's my story.  The end of one and the start of another.  The minor details in between don't matter.

Can't you see? There IS beauty in the breakdown. And I'm discovering it one day at a time.